LOST

And no, I am not talking about the TV show! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my child. I want to give her the world and I would die for her in a heartbeat. But I am so exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in about a week! Now, I haven't been lying when I tell people that she sleeps good at night... I just really thought I was telling the truth. But now, I am ready to hurt the next person who asks me how she sleeps! The worst part is that I have no idea what to do about it. There are so many different parenting books with different opinions, strategies, and rules about how to do everything!!! Once you read one, you treat it like the Bible and try to follow it to the letter. When that author fails you, you find another who talks about why the first author you read about is a heretic, and you become the disciple of the new author. I know what you are going to say... "every baby is different, you need to get to know your baby and not try to put them into a mold from a book." And you know what, I agree with you 100%, but the problem is that no one ever taught me how to be a mother- specifically, how to raise a baby. Every woman has instincts and there are some things that are just obviously terrible ideas (like using alcohol to put your baby to sleep). But to tell you the truth, when you haven't slept in soooo long, even THAT seems like a solution worth considering. Before you go calling Child Services on me, hear me out. I am only venting about my struggles- getting my feelings out in the open. I will more than likely just continue to suffer quietly instead of placing any blame on the precious baby. Anyway, as I was saying, I haven't slept in a long time and today I had an emotional breakdown. I actually pitched a fit in my bed when the baby woke up 45 minutes early from her nap and cried so hard that I am pretty sure I was drooling like a 2 year old. Corinne actually looked up at me with pity in her eyes and I knew I was in trouble! Let me tell you the problem...
...At around 6 weeks, I decided that it was time to end the suffering and give Corinne a pacifier. I felt like I had rationally analyzed the situation for a few days and realized that she just needed some non-nutritive sucking. So, after I fed her, I would let her have the binky for a little while so I could have a break. And you know what, it worked great! I actually started getting some sleep and feeling refreshed in the morning. After a couple of weeks, I read that she was supposed to be sleeping 6-7 hours a night by then and she wasn't. So I got a genuis idea. When she would awake for her 4AM feeding, I would give her the binky instead to see if I could trick her into going back to sleep. It worked and I "bought" myself another hour or two practically every night! Fast forward to now... week 10. Corinne has naturally progressed to a 3-4 hour feeding schedule and she has dropped her late night feeding all on her own. I couldn't even wake her at 11pm to feed her if I tried (and I've tried). This is great, because at this point in time she is supposed to be doing this very thing and the reason being that she should be sleeping 9-10 hours now. But someone forgot to inform her of that last part. So, she is going to sleep around 8:30 or 9 and sleeping her 7 hours, which if you do the math, wakes me up at around 3 or 4 every morning!! Now, she WILL go back to sleep and not feed until the 9th or 10th hour, but not without her BINKY!!!! So I get up at least 5 times between 3 and 5AM to put her binky in again and again only to be awaken for the day at 6AM! I don't even mind that it is early, I actually love being awake early and getting my day started, but not when my night never got started!! Did you keep track of those hours? Even if I actually make it into bed and fall asleep by 10:30, I am only sleeping until 3 and maybe another hour between 5 and 6, and in my book, that's not a good nights' sleep!!! I know that this has been a long and tedious read, but I just want to make it very clear how incredibly delirious and exhauted I am! And I have no idea what to do about it. (Please don't even suggest taking the binky away- we tried that last night and I got 4 hours of sleep total, which is probably what put me over the edge and caused this blog entry).

Is there anyone who can help me? Anyone who has more wisdom than a 25-year-old first time mother? Please save me from my impending doom!! And thanks for listening. (By the way, here is a picture to show you how cute this problem is!)

Sickness

Corinne is sick for the first time. It is so sad to hear her little stuffy nose and to know that there is nothing that she can do to make herself feel better. We had to use the nose bulb yesterday and let me tell you, that is a traumatic experience!!! At first, you are afraid that this thing is going to suck her brains out right through her nose. Once we realized that her brain was going to be fine, she was screaming uncontrollably and we were trying to tell her that this was for her own good!! She certainly didn't see it that way. The best thing about babies is that no matter how upset you are making them at the moment, (with things that are in their best interest, of course) the second you finish "torturing" them, they look up at you with the biggest smile ever because they just love you so much and have already forgotten their anguish. Thank God!! Jason left to go to a training thing in New York, so I am on my own until tomorrow night. About 30 minutes after he left yesterday, I took her temperature and it was 99.5. I didn't freak out, but calmly checked it out on Babycenter.com. I decided to call the doctor's office to get their advice (she is due for her two month checkup anyway). Apparently, they close at noon on Wednesdays (I remember why I hate small towns!) but gave another number to call if you didn't need 911, but wanted to talk to a doctor. I call this number and tell the receptionist my problem and they say they will transfer me to someone in the emergency room!!! I am on hold for a couple of minutes and by the time I speak with the incredibly nice doctor lady, I am frantically in tears! In those 5 minutes from taking her temperature to actually speaking to a professional, I managed to worry myself beyond rationalization. The doctor told me that her fever wasn't really that high and as long as she was still eating and wetting her diapers, that she would be fine. She said that I could give her a small dose of infant tylenol to bring down the fever, but that everything was going to be ok. Corinne's fever broke at about 8pm and everything WAS ok!!! It is amazing how irrational mothers are and how intelligent and calm doctors can be.