LOST

And no, I am not talking about the TV show! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my child. I want to give her the world and I would die for her in a heartbeat. But I am so exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in about a week! Now, I haven't been lying when I tell people that she sleeps good at night... I just really thought I was telling the truth. But now, I am ready to hurt the next person who asks me how she sleeps! The worst part is that I have no idea what to do about it. There are so many different parenting books with different opinions, strategies, and rules about how to do everything!!! Once you read one, you treat it like the Bible and try to follow it to the letter. When that author fails you, you find another who talks about why the first author you read about is a heretic, and you become the disciple of the new author. I know what you are going to say... "every baby is different, you need to get to know your baby and not try to put them into a mold from a book." And you know what, I agree with you 100%, but the problem is that no one ever taught me how to be a mother- specifically, how to raise a baby. Every woman has instincts and there are some things that are just obviously terrible ideas (like using alcohol to put your baby to sleep). But to tell you the truth, when you haven't slept in soooo long, even THAT seems like a solution worth considering. Before you go calling Child Services on me, hear me out. I am only venting about my struggles- getting my feelings out in the open. I will more than likely just continue to suffer quietly instead of placing any blame on the precious baby. Anyway, as I was saying, I haven't slept in a long time and today I had an emotional breakdown. I actually pitched a fit in my bed when the baby woke up 45 minutes early from her nap and cried so hard that I am pretty sure I was drooling like a 2 year old. Corinne actually looked up at me with pity in her eyes and I knew I was in trouble! Let me tell you the problem...
...At around 6 weeks, I decided that it was time to end the suffering and give Corinne a pacifier. I felt like I had rationally analyzed the situation for a few days and realized that she just needed some non-nutritive sucking. So, after I fed her, I would let her have the binky for a little while so I could have a break. And you know what, it worked great! I actually started getting some sleep and feeling refreshed in the morning. After a couple of weeks, I read that she was supposed to be sleeping 6-7 hours a night by then and she wasn't. So I got a genuis idea. When she would awake for her 4AM feeding, I would give her the binky instead to see if I could trick her into going back to sleep. It worked and I "bought" myself another hour or two practically every night! Fast forward to now... week 10. Corinne has naturally progressed to a 3-4 hour feeding schedule and she has dropped her late night feeding all on her own. I couldn't even wake her at 11pm to feed her if I tried (and I've tried). This is great, because at this point in time she is supposed to be doing this very thing and the reason being that she should be sleeping 9-10 hours now. But someone forgot to inform her of that last part. So, she is going to sleep around 8:30 or 9 and sleeping her 7 hours, which if you do the math, wakes me up at around 3 or 4 every morning!! Now, she WILL go back to sleep and not feed until the 9th or 10th hour, but not without her BINKY!!!! So I get up at least 5 times between 3 and 5AM to put her binky in again and again only to be awaken for the day at 6AM! I don't even mind that it is early, I actually love being awake early and getting my day started, but not when my night never got started!! Did you keep track of those hours? Even if I actually make it into bed and fall asleep by 10:30, I am only sleeping until 3 and maybe another hour between 5 and 6, and in my book, that's not a good nights' sleep!!! I know that this has been a long and tedious read, but I just want to make it very clear how incredibly delirious and exhauted I am! And I have no idea what to do about it. (Please don't even suggest taking the binky away- we tried that last night and I got 4 hours of sleep total, which is probably what put me over the edge and caused this blog entry).

Is there anyone who can help me? Anyone who has more wisdom than a 25-year-old first time mother? Please save me from my impending doom!! And thanks for listening. (By the way, here is a picture to show you how cute this problem is!)

Sickness

Corinne is sick for the first time. It is so sad to hear her little stuffy nose and to know that there is nothing that she can do to make herself feel better. We had to use the nose bulb yesterday and let me tell you, that is a traumatic experience!!! At first, you are afraid that this thing is going to suck her brains out right through her nose. Once we realized that her brain was going to be fine, she was screaming uncontrollably and we were trying to tell her that this was for her own good!! She certainly didn't see it that way. The best thing about babies is that no matter how upset you are making them at the moment, (with things that are in their best interest, of course) the second you finish "torturing" them, they look up at you with the biggest smile ever because they just love you so much and have already forgotten their anguish. Thank God!! Jason left to go to a training thing in New York, so I am on my own until tomorrow night. About 30 minutes after he left yesterday, I took her temperature and it was 99.5. I didn't freak out, but calmly checked it out on Babycenter.com. I decided to call the doctor's office to get their advice (she is due for her two month checkup anyway). Apparently, they close at noon on Wednesdays (I remember why I hate small towns!) but gave another number to call if you didn't need 911, but wanted to talk to a doctor. I call this number and tell the receptionist my problem and they say they will transfer me to someone in the emergency room!!! I am on hold for a couple of minutes and by the time I speak with the incredibly nice doctor lady, I am frantically in tears! In those 5 minutes from taking her temperature to actually speaking to a professional, I managed to worry myself beyond rationalization. The doctor told me that her fever wasn't really that high and as long as she was still eating and wetting her diapers, that she would be fine. She said that I could give her a small dose of infant tylenol to bring down the fever, but that everything was going to be ok. Corinne's fever broke at about 8pm and everything WAS ok!!! It is amazing how irrational mothers are and how intelligent and calm doctors can be.

Randomness

We had Corinne weighed the other day. She went from 7 lbs 3 oz to 11 lbs 6 oz in just a few weeks!! I thought that my arms were hurting me. It amazes me how fast babies change and grow. She is smiling all the time now and she makes so many adorable noises. I love her so much I just want to eat her up!!! (Why do people say that, by the way?)

Things are finally starting to settle down around here. We have most of the house put together- we just have a little more cleaning and organizing to do. The teens start school this week, so Jason will officially start his Young Life duties. He also got a job working a few hours at the local coffee shop- but you knew that he would!

We just celebrated our 3 year anniversary in Washington DC. We had a good time, but it wasn't exactly what we expected. But what is, right? It is just so crazy that we have been married for 3 years already- and have a kid! But God is so good and He knows exactly what we can handle and I feel so content right now with my life.

Not that I don't desire change and challenge. In fact, I have really been struggling spiritually. I just feel that I am at a dry and stagnant place right now. We haven't found a church yet, so I don't have that to rely on. I have always struggled with my prayer life, I hardly ever take the time to talk to God. It's not that I don't want to, it's just, well I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. I also feel like I haven't really hit the Scriptures hard since college. I was growing like a weed in college with all of the Bible classes. Ever since then, I have been relying on my knowledge to continue my growth, but I've hit a wall. I would appreciate prayer and any advice on books I should read or Bible studies I should do.

This has been random, but life is random! Thanks for listening.

Home

Well, we moved here to the farm house on August 2nd. We have been so busy with cleaning and organizing and settling ever since. We've already had lots of visitors, which is amazing, especially when they are eager to work (thanks Jym & Carrie)! We always thank them with some good BBQ for dinner (wink, wink)!

This place is amazing... God is amazing! It already feels like home here, except not as organized as "home" should be for me. But it will get there eventually. There have been so many blessings given to us since we got here, like a brand new mattress and box spring (with a loveseat thrown in) for less than $300. Things like that have happened over and over again in the week that we have been here. It just confirms for us that we are in the center of God's will. What a blessing!

We don't have any pictures of the house yet (did you really think I would show pics before everything was done?), but here is a beautiful rainbow that Jason saw on one of our first days here. Enjoy!!

AMAZING

God is so good! We had a home inspection in Maryland on the 21st and it did not go well. We were so excited to be taking the next step toward owning our own home and moving. After the contractor spent 2 hours looking the 850 square foot house over, his report had 26 items in the priority one category. That means that there were 26 things that we would have to do/fix before the house would really be livable. How crazy is that?! We immediately decided that we were not going to move forward with the house, because we are not in the position to purchase a "money pit". Needless to say, we were discouraged.

But earlier, our realtor had told us that there was someone from a local church who had a farm house that they wanted to rent to us because we were joining Young Life and we are a young couple in need. So we made an appointment to see it that afternoon. Feeling a little defeated, we pull up to the farm and see several buildings of different sizes. When we get out of the car, the whole place smells like poo- due to the 300+ cows, fertilizer, and the organic nature of the farm. Funny enough, the smell was kind of pleasant! The owner of the property met us and walked us into the largest farmhouse on the property. As we walked around the house, we were met by two living rooms, four fire places, two staircases, at least 4 bedrooms (we lost count) and a beautiful back yard. Then she dropped the bomb on us and said they wanted to charge us $300 a month for rent!! No, that is not a typo, that is all God! We feel so incredibly blessed and we are looking forward to moving there on August 1st. Maryland... here we come!!!

WOW

So much has been going on in the past month, where to even begin?

Of course, we had our baby girl on June 28th, which has already been mentioned. But life has been a whirlwind since she has arrived. They say that the mother should take it easy for a few weeks- get some rest, recover, and get to know your baby. I can't really say that I've taken it easy, in fact, I've done anything but.

We chose to celebrate July 4th, because it is Jason's birthday and our favorite holiday of the year. I fell asleep on the Heberlig's couch at one point, but I don't think that counts as rest!! On July 10th, we took Corinne to the John Mayer concert that Jason got me tickets to for my birthday. She was so good and we had a great time... but it is hard to breastfeed and rock out at the same time!! On July 13th-14th, we went to Maryland for our home inspection, (which was terrible, but more about that in the next blog) and it was Corinne's first night away from home. On July 14th-16th, we went family camping with the Embergers at Locust Lake State Park. It was actually quite enjoyable, but we did have to run into the car a lot to keep her cries from disturbing the other campers during quiet hours. And she went to her first amusement park, Knoebels, although she didn't get to ride any rides. On July 21st, Corinne had her first doctor's appointment and her first shot. She handled it pretty well and only screamed for a second! Then we visited my old work and Daddy's work at Starbucks. It was quite a day! Finally, we are going back to Maryland from July 26th-July 31st and Jason is going to be working at a camp and we are going to be staying with friends. It will be her first time apart from her Daddy, and I am a little worried that she isn't going to take it well. She is already a Daddy's girl and his presence really seems to soothe her. Please pray for us in that and just that I would eventually get some rest!!

Overwhelmed

Ohmygoodness!! Where has the time gone? Corinne is already 10 days old!! That is so scary to think about. Jason was talking yesterday about when she is 16 years old and what she is going to be like and I just started to cry because that seems so far from now and yet, I know it will be here before we know it. Having children changes your life! Everyone tells you that, but you can't possibly understand until you have one. All I want to do is love and protect her and teach and mold her, but I don't want to shelter her or spoil her or ruin her. There is so much pressure- just from myself- not to mess this kid up for life!!! AHHHH! But God is so good and I know that He gave me this child because I am the perfect mother for her and He knows that I can handle that responsibility. But wow, what a responsibility it is! Did I mention that God gave me the most amazing husband ever? He is my rock and I wouldn't be able to handle all of this without his love and support!