I know it's been a long time since I wrote something on my blog. But let's be honest, who actually reads this? Christy, I know you are saying, "I do!" and because I know I at least have an audience of one, I write.
I need to just be honest and say that I am a little scared. God has blessed me with the gift of faith and that gift has eased me through many tough times, but this time is a little different. We've even been in similar situations before waiting on God until the eleventh hour to tell us what the next step should be. But everything changes when there is a child involved. I'm not really thinking about how cramped we might be if we have to live in someone's spare bedroom for a while. I am thinking if I am going to be able to feed my daughter and have health insurance for the one on the way. (If this is how you find out that I am pregnant, I apologize. The official [Facebook] announcement is coming soon!)
When I was growing up, I never really knew or cared that I was poor. I had plenty to eat and we always took some kind of fun vacation. It didn't matter to me that our house wasn't perfect or that I didn't have fancy clothes. I was taken care of and I knew I was loved. I always thought that when I was a Mom, I was going to do just as good a job as my mom did, if not better b/c I would have a little more to provide my family with. But here I am, a Mom and pregnant, and we are going to be homeless and jobless in a month. I feel like I have failed in some way, not b/c I'm not a good Mom, b/c I am. But b/c I didn't prepare better, I didn't save enough, I didn't work more hours when I could have, I lived too extravagantly before I had children.
I really do trust God and I know that He is going to take care of our needs b/c He desires to give good gifts to His children. But I also desire to give good gifts to my children, and my heart aches that I can barely give the necessities to my children. Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief!
3 comments:
Hey Tina! I appreciate your honesty as you wrestle with the uncertainty of the future but also really glad to see you clinging to your faith! Things may not be perfectly smooth or go as you anticipated, but I really believe that when you step out in faith following God's call, he will provide for your needs. And don't forget, his ways are higher and he knows our needs better than we do. =) Lord bless you guys (and your growing family - CONGRATS!) in this challenging, but faith-building time!
As I came to leave a comment, I just noticed that Derek left one too. We have a lot to say on this topic because we have been living this for the past 2 1/2 years! One great reminder that I have really loved and held onto since we moved down here to seminary (and it has been QUITE a journey!) is the reminder of how the Lord provided for the Israelites in the wilderness. He gave them JUST ENOUGH manna for that day. If they had hoarded it and stock-piled it away, it would have rotted. Instead, the Lord provided just enough to keep them dependent on HIM. Of course, we need to be good stewards with what the Lord gives us, but ultimately it belongs to the Lord. I'd LOVE to talk to you more about this...not because I'm an "expert" on the subject, but because the Lord has taught me so much about this. Maybe we can chat! :) We'll be praying for you guys. Is it true you're moving to So. Cal? If so, we'll have to get together!!!
Congratulations!!! My parents were broke when tara and I were born. My mom always used to say, "Babies aren't that expensive as long as you have a blanket and an empty drawer:)" I know the insurance and job thing is super stressful but you'll get through and you (and your faith and family) will be stronger for it!
I'll be praying for you!!!!
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