What to do?

I've been waiting to talk about the details of what is going on with us because I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing. It was a tough decision to leave Young Life, but when the money ran out, we needed to do what was best for our family. Jason has felt compelled to go back to school and further his education. Naturally, our hearts turned once again towards California, and Jason was accepted to Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena. He received a 100% financial aid package and is due to start his Masters Degree on September 15th. That's right, 3 weeks from now. You might be wondering, "what the heck are you still doing in Philly?!" Good Question! We have been struggling as to whether this is the best choice for our family. We want to go with all of our hearts and we want to raise our children in the California "chill" environment. But with the economy tanking, especially in CA, we are not sure if we are going to make it if we take this huge risk. The bright side is that there is a phenomenal job prospect that we have been waiting to hear about. Jason applied several months ago and it has been a long and emotional process, but he just found out that he is one of 3 people who are being finally interviewed and the decision will be made in the next two weeks. It is a part-time Youth Pastoring job at a Presbyterian Church a few miles from Fuller. They offer a decent monthly stipend and an all-expenses paid two bedroom house with the position! If we get this job, then we just might be able to survive out there. We have decided that if we get this job, then we will go to California and if we don't, then we stay in Philly. It's been crazy hanging on the edge of our seats, waiting for the answer to be made clear to us. And it's crazy to think that our lives could completely change in the next two weeks. But we love adventure and we are ready to step out into this new chapter of our lives if this is what God has for us. And if we stay in Philly, we will feel so blessed to have our friends and family and Philly food to enjoy. Please just pray for peace as we wait and contentment with whatever the answer may be.

Faith?

I know it's been a long time since I wrote something on my blog. But let's be honest, who actually reads this? Christy, I know you are saying, "I do!" and because I know I at least have an audience of one, I write.

I need to just be honest and say that I am a little scared. God has blessed me with the gift of faith and that gift has eased me through many tough times, but this time is a little different. We've even been in similar situations before waiting on God until the eleventh hour to tell us what the next step should be. But everything changes when there is a child involved. I'm not really thinking about how cramped we might be if we have to live in someone's spare bedroom for a while. I am thinking if I am going to be able to feed my daughter and have health insurance for the one on the way. (If this is how you find out that I am pregnant, I apologize. The official [Facebook] announcement is coming soon!)

When I was growing up, I never really knew or cared that I was poor. I had plenty to eat and we always took some kind of fun vacation. It didn't matter to me that our house wasn't perfect or that I didn't have fancy clothes. I was taken care of and I knew I was loved. I always thought that when I was a Mom, I was going to do just as good a job as my mom did, if not better b/c I would have a little more to provide my family with. But here I am, a Mom and pregnant, and we are going to be homeless and jobless in a month. I feel like I have failed in some way, not b/c I'm not a good Mom, b/c I am. But b/c I didn't prepare better, I didn't save enough, I didn't work more hours when I could have, I lived too extravagantly before I had children.

I really do trust God and I know that He is going to take care of our needs b/c He desires to give good gifts to His children. But I also desire to give good gifts to my children, and my heart aches that I can barely give the necessities to my children. Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief!

tough times

I don't really know much about politics or the economy or the workings of this nation, but I do know that I am scared. I find myself looking around my (rented) house looking for things that I could sell if we needed money for food. I am dreading the fact that my daughter is getting older everyday and will eventually need clothes, books, and lunch money. I have even put off getting a haircut for a few months now because it feels like a luxury that I can not afford! I spend everyday working with unfortunate families who are struggling to make ends meet and at the end of the day I realize that I am only a paycheck away from being in line with them. There is an amazing man who volunteers his time at the Family Center b/c he has been laid off from his job and is trying to be productive while he waits for a break. He is trying to take care of two little boys on his own and will be homeless at the end of April. My heart breaks for him b/c of what he is going through, but even more b/c I don't have the means to do anything about his situation! What is going on here?! My prayer is that my faith will not falter in this time of uncertainty and that my God will provide.

Liquid

A big shout out to Jym and Carrie Doolan for introducing me to Liquid Church. Never has my faith been more tested or challenged than listening to the down-to-earth sermons based on real life issues that I am actually going through. I have been listening to the series called "Vertical" about prayer and it has really rocked my world. I recommend that everyone check them out on the web.
www.liquidchurch.com

PS. If you are married, you should really listen to the sermons on Song of Solomon!

a kick in the pants!

Ok, I am ashamed! Christy has now started a blog and I believe that in my last blog I said that I would be trying to post once a week from then on... that was in October! Oops! I do have a small excuse, shortly thereafter I started a part-time job! Let me tell you all about it...

I never planned to go back to work, my heart's desire is to be a stay-at-home Mom. But Corinne takes great naps during the day and Jason works from home, so I was starting to feel a little... dare I say, bored?! One day, Jason came home and said, and I quote, "I found purpose for your life!" After I punched him in the gut, he showed me an ad for a Part-Time Youth Coordinator position at a family center in our town. I immediately jumped on it and started a few weeks later! After spending several days trying to remember what one does at a "job," I am really starting to get the hang of this thing. The most exciting part of my job is that I am going to be starting a mentoring program in our county. It is a huge task to take on, but will be so beneficial to the youth of Kent County.

Corinne is enjoying spending more time with her Daddy. When I took this job, Jason quit his one day a week job at the coffee shop and now he hangs out with Corinne every afternoon for 4 hours. Things are working out great! Developmentally, she is going crazy! She has doubled her birth weight, she is eating solid foods, sitting up on her own, and chewing on her feet. Best of all, she puts her little hands on my face looks into my eyes, smiles, and says...... "DADA!!!" Grrrr. Besides that minor setback, she is growing beautifully.

I will leave you with a strange family photo....

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

It has come to my attention that I need to write more frequently and maybe about some positive things too. I appreciate that advice, but did you know that blogging is real hard work?! Just when I think that it might be time to write another entry, I realize that I don't have anything interesting to say! Ha ha! But I am going to commit to writing once a week for those of you who are committed to reading, sometimes more often than I write.

First of all, let me say that there is no more beautiful sound in the world than that of your child's laugh! I guess hearing "I love you" from this same child will be up there, but we aren't quite there yet. Corinne laughed the other day and I wanted to melt. Unfortunately for Jay, he had to tickle her repeatedly, make high-pitched noises and make funny vibrations with his lips for about 5 minutes straight in order to draw this laugh out of her, but I'm not complaining! It just keeps getting better!

Jason and I had a very funny conversation the other day. We were talking about how we needed to take the binky from Corinne because it had become a "sleep prop" and she couldn't sleep without it. We literally had to get up from 3-10 times every night to put it back in her mouth when she woke up crying because she realized it was gone. We were hoping to hold out a few more weeks until she figured out that it was literally 4 inches from her mouth, but we decided that sleep was the better option for everyone. So, we were discussing our "plan of attack" against this enemy (the aforementioned binky) and I was telling him about all the advice and strategies I had read on BabyCenter and that it seemed that the best way to go was "cold turkey." Most of the people I had read about had more success with this method than by using the gum or the patch. Craziness, I tell you! Anyways, things went well and we are now binky-free for 2 days- hallelujah!

Another funny thing I realized the other day. In high-school and college, I was a VERY independent person. There are a lot of legitimate reasons for this and some really silly ones, but I did not like taking help from anyone and I did not need anyone's opinions and certainly not their criticism. Sometimes I was so independent that it put a strain on my dating relationship with Jason- I was stubborn, opinionated, and refused to ask advice or admit when I was wrong. Fast forward to 2008, the new me, post-baby. Last month at Target, I told Jason that he had to choose which paper towel and toilet paper brands to buy because it was just too stressful for me. Really? Toilet paper, stressful? I used to carry all of the grocery bags from the car at one time just to prove that I could do it myself; now I ask for help choosing an outfit for the day. I asked Jay the other day, "How did I go from obnoxiously independent to completely worthless?" Honestly! I am incapable of being on my own and making my own decisions. As a Young Life leader, Jason goes on many overnight/weekend trips with the kids and by the time he gets home, I am ready for a vacation! I am not saying this to put myself down, in fact, I actually think it is hilarious! God really has a way of smoothing out our rough edges, ya know?!

Thanks for reading! I hope this entry put a smile on your face!! If it didn't, here is a picture of Corinne to make it happen!

LOST

And no, I am not talking about the TV show! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore my child. I want to give her the world and I would die for her in a heartbeat. But I am so exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in about a week! Now, I haven't been lying when I tell people that she sleeps good at night... I just really thought I was telling the truth. But now, I am ready to hurt the next person who asks me how she sleeps! The worst part is that I have no idea what to do about it. There are so many different parenting books with different opinions, strategies, and rules about how to do everything!!! Once you read one, you treat it like the Bible and try to follow it to the letter. When that author fails you, you find another who talks about why the first author you read about is a heretic, and you become the disciple of the new author. I know what you are going to say... "every baby is different, you need to get to know your baby and not try to put them into a mold from a book." And you know what, I agree with you 100%, but the problem is that no one ever taught me how to be a mother- specifically, how to raise a baby. Every woman has instincts and there are some things that are just obviously terrible ideas (like using alcohol to put your baby to sleep). But to tell you the truth, when you haven't slept in soooo long, even THAT seems like a solution worth considering. Before you go calling Child Services on me, hear me out. I am only venting about my struggles- getting my feelings out in the open. I will more than likely just continue to suffer quietly instead of placing any blame on the precious baby. Anyway, as I was saying, I haven't slept in a long time and today I had an emotional breakdown. I actually pitched a fit in my bed when the baby woke up 45 minutes early from her nap and cried so hard that I am pretty sure I was drooling like a 2 year old. Corinne actually looked up at me with pity in her eyes and I knew I was in trouble! Let me tell you the problem...
...At around 6 weeks, I decided that it was time to end the suffering and give Corinne a pacifier. I felt like I had rationally analyzed the situation for a few days and realized that she just needed some non-nutritive sucking. So, after I fed her, I would let her have the binky for a little while so I could have a break. And you know what, it worked great! I actually started getting some sleep and feeling refreshed in the morning. After a couple of weeks, I read that she was supposed to be sleeping 6-7 hours a night by then and she wasn't. So I got a genuis idea. When she would awake for her 4AM feeding, I would give her the binky instead to see if I could trick her into going back to sleep. It worked and I "bought" myself another hour or two practically every night! Fast forward to now... week 10. Corinne has naturally progressed to a 3-4 hour feeding schedule and she has dropped her late night feeding all on her own. I couldn't even wake her at 11pm to feed her if I tried (and I've tried). This is great, because at this point in time she is supposed to be doing this very thing and the reason being that she should be sleeping 9-10 hours now. But someone forgot to inform her of that last part. So, she is going to sleep around 8:30 or 9 and sleeping her 7 hours, which if you do the math, wakes me up at around 3 or 4 every morning!! Now, she WILL go back to sleep and not feed until the 9th or 10th hour, but not without her BINKY!!!! So I get up at least 5 times between 3 and 5AM to put her binky in again and again only to be awaken for the day at 6AM! I don't even mind that it is early, I actually love being awake early and getting my day started, but not when my night never got started!! Did you keep track of those hours? Even if I actually make it into bed and fall asleep by 10:30, I am only sleeping until 3 and maybe another hour between 5 and 6, and in my book, that's not a good nights' sleep!!! I know that this has been a long and tedious read, but I just want to make it very clear how incredibly delirious and exhauted I am! And I have no idea what to do about it. (Please don't even suggest taking the binky away- we tried that last night and I got 4 hours of sleep total, which is probably what put me over the edge and caused this blog entry).

Is there anyone who can help me? Anyone who has more wisdom than a 25-year-old first time mother? Please save me from my impending doom!! And thanks for listening. (By the way, here is a picture to show you how cute this problem is!)